'I bitterly regret having my second child - I've lost my identity'

A father of two has opened up about the profound sense of regret he feels after welcoming his second child, a regret he cannot admit to his partner.

The man in question is the dad to a "brilliant, funny three-year-old" and another little boy who recently turned one. He loves both his sons deeply but finds the work of parenting two young children "overwhelming."

Although his other half often praises him for being a fantastic dad, he carries with him a secret that's left him feeling "ashamed and guilty"—he wishes they'd stuck with just one child.

Before welcoming their youngest, the exhausted father felt relatively free and relaxed. Now, he feels his sense of self is wrapped up in caring for his two boys, in a way that has consumed his "entire identity".

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In a letter to The i Paper’s Agony Uncle, the guilt-ridden dad admitted the thought "crosses [his] mind about once a week." He wrote: "I absolutely cannot tell my partner. I find myself convinced that a terrible tragedy is about to happen, and it will be all my fault for thinking negative thoughts.

"I’ve lost my life outside work, my friends are disappearing because being a parent is so all-consuming, and sometimes it feels like I’ve lost my partner, too. We used to have a laugh together, now she’ll talk absolutely endlessly about our sons. What do I do? Help me."

In response to the anguished letter, personal development coach Kenny Mammarella-D’Cruz reassured the author that he was by no means a "bad person" and that his conflicted emotions were completely understandable, as was the feeling of missing his wife and the way their relationship once was.

Kenny then went on to advise the troubled letter writer to take three steps he believes will be of great help. Firstly, he emphasised the importance of talking through his feelings with a counsellor or trusted friends "who might be thinking the same thing", which could well help alleviate the heavy burden.

Secondly, Kenny urged the dad to carve out some time for himself, whether that be going for a walk, playing a sport, or simply paying a visit to the pub. He suggested: "If possible, book occasional weekends away. You might find that attending to your needs replaces those feelings of regret. Importantly, ask your partner if she’d like the same. This might be transformative for your relationship with each other."

In his third and final recommendation, Kenny remarked that a date with his wife might well be in order, where he can chat with her about how she might be feeling about their new way of life, and remember what it was they used to laugh about before taking on their additional parental responsibilities.

Kenny added: "I’d recommend you ask what you can do to support her more. Taking responsibilities off her will free up her time so she has more headspace to connect with you and think beyond the children, too. And remember: this is a very intense period, but it is also short-term."

Do you have a story to share? Email me at julia.banim@reachplc.com

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